A Little Bracket Help
by Adam Reich
When it comes to filling out the brackets, fans everywhere dig around
for the top-secret information that will help them pick the amazing
upsets, the final four teams and the tournament’s champion. But what
if you’re too busy? What if you’re still hung over from St. Patrick’s
Day? Or what if you just don’t know anything about college basketball?
If you fit any of these categories, then you might be totally lost
when it comes down to whom to pick. So for all of you
non-bracketologists out there looking for a reason to pick one team to
go all the way, here you go.
Alabama: Because they were ranked No. 1. Don’t you remember? Don’t
you?
Arizona: Because you can’t get enough of Bill Walton. The further
they advance, the more airtime he gets.
Arizona State: Because they’re the Sun Devils. Think about that. The
Sun Devils. Pretty cool, huh?
Auburn: Because Kenny Smith will kiss Charles Barkley’s ass if they
win.
Austin Peay: Because Austin Peay sounds like a kind of soup and soup
is good.
BYU: Because Mormons practice polygamy. Let me get this straight, I
can have 10 wives? Sign me up.
Butler: Because if they win, we get to say “The Butler did it”.
California: Because you like Jack Nicklaus. So let’s pick the Golden
Bears.
Central Michigan: Because you went to Camp Chippewa as a kid.
Cincinnati: Because you didn’t graduate from college either.
Colorado: Because you can eat Buffalo wings while rooting for the
Buffaloes.
Colorado State: Because ski-bunny cheerleaders are good.
Connecticut: Because they get to scrimmage the women’s team at
practice.
Creighton: Because Kyle Korver is the next Larry Bird.
Dayton: Because people in Dayton have nothing else.
Duke: Because you went to Duke. That’s the only possible reason.
East Tennessee State: Because if they lose they assume the name
“Yucs.” Since Tampa Bay won it all.
Florida: Because every time you drink Gatorade you help fund the
program.
Gonzaga: Because after one year as the favorite, they are underdogs
again. And Stockton’s shorts.
Holy Cross: Because then Phil Rizzuto might cover the Final Four.
“Holy Cow, I mean Cross.”
Illinois: Because Dee Brown reminds me of, uh, Dee Brown. Remember
the pump?
Indiana: Because you know Bobby Knight will be watching from home.
IUPUI: Because IUPUI is fun to say. Say it with me. IUPUI, IUPUI,
IUPUI! Kind of catchy, huh?
Kansas: Because this has to be Roy Williams’ year. I mean come on, it
has to be.
Kentucky: Because everyone else picked them. Come on, take a chance.
LSU: Because Shaq may celebrate the victory by self-funding the
script for Kazaam 2.
Louisville: Because Rick Pitino was made for college basketball. Just
ask Celtics fans.
Manhattan: Because these guys run ball at Rucker Park in the
off-season.
Marquette: Because Dwayne Wade looks like Jimmy Walker. Dyn-o-mite!
Maryland: Because everyone fears the Turtle! I know I do.
Memphis: Because barbecue makes a good pre-game meal.
Michigan State: Because you know Mateen Cleeves will be cheering them
on from behind the bench.
Mississippi State: Because you know Clark Kellog will eventually
break out with “Super Mario.”
Missouri: Because your bald and thus admire Quinn Snyder’s mop.
NC State: Because you can’t pick Boston College.
Notre Dame: Because you hate the football team is no reason to hate
the basketball team.
UNC-Asheville: Because they have proven they can win in the
tournament. But Texas? Gulp.
UNC-Wilmington: Because you work at Dairy Queen. Damn, those
blizzards are good.
Oklahoma: Because the “Price is Right.” Brian Bosworth, come on down.
Oklahoma State: Because the clock is in their favor. Just ask the
Sooners.
Oregon: Because you’re a Star Wars junky. “Use the force Lukes.”
Pennsylvania: Because their the Quakers, not the Amish.
Pittsburgh: Because they’re the Rodney Dangerfield of college hoops.
They get “no respect.”
Purdue: Because after they win we can all go to the local watering
hole. “A round of Boilermakers.”
Saint Joseph’s: Because the winning story will be “St. Joseph’s and
the Amazing Final Four Dreamcoat.”
Sam Houston State: Because we don’t want to have to say “Bye Slamma
Jamma.”
San Diego: Because the Toreros are muy bueno. Yo quiero Taco Bell.
South Carolina State: Because Moses Malone Jr. is their leader. Is
Dr. J Jr. still in medical school?
Southern Illinois: Because they’re man’s best friend. That’s right, a
Saluki is a dog. Yep, a dog.
Stanford: Because you’re an environmentalist. You got to love the
tree. What kind of a mascot is a tree?
Syracuse: Because Carmelo Anthony might stay in school. Yeah, right.
Who am I kidding?
Texas: Because then we can say “Something good finally came from
Texas.”
Troy State: Because we must practice safe selection-making. Please,
pick the Trojans.
Tulsa: Because the Golden Hurricane won’t fold in the National
Championship game like other ‘Canes.
Utah: Because we want as many Rick Majerus press conferences as
possible. That guy is hilarious.
Utah State: Because the Aggies need a “Twelfth Man.”
Vermont: Because your favorite halftime snack is Chunky Monkey ice
cream.
Wagner: Because unlike Dejuan Wagner, they aren’t killing your NBA
fantasy team.
Wake Forest: Because we must save the Wake Forest.
Weber State: Because we need Harold “The Show” Arcineaux highlights
all tournament long.
Western Kentucky: Because winning without Chris Marcus would be the
ultimate Ewing Theory example.
U of Wisconsin-Milwaukee: Because Miller might brew a beer called
“Panther Pilsner” in their honor.
Xavier: Because then David West will officially become the new “X
Man.” Sorry Mr. McDaniel.
